Fear and a Cliff
The photo above was taken in the summer of 2015. We look pretty happy here and we were. But don't be fooled by our smiles, well mine at least. I was gripped with fear about an hour prior.
Last summer I traveled solo to California and Hawaii. It was less of an "Eat, Pray, Love" thing and more that the timing was right, although I was excited to test my travel skills and relax my brain. My brother was working in San Francisco and family friends offered to put me up. Since I was already across the country I thought, why not visit a college friend living in Honolulu? Logical right? I certainly thought so. So late July I hopped on a plane and headed west.
Fast forward to this photo.
Close friends and family know that I struggled with sports injuries (two ACL reconstructions - same knee) and various other physical ailments through my early twenties. It's kind of rough when your body feels like it has "failed" you, especially when it happens more than once. Slowly my mental and physical confidence started to dwindle; what was once a vessel for limitless physical pursuits now felt like a vulnerable piece of glass ready to crack with one wrong step. Needless to say, I began to doubt my strength.
I say all this to give you an idea of how I felt the moment in Hawaii my friend said "ok we're at our hiking spot!" and started walking towards the edge of a cliff...
I slowly walked to where she was standing and took a peak over the edge - a mix of fear and embarrassment shot through me. There's NO WAY this is where we are hiking I thought, as I watched the Hawaiian ocean slap against the jagged rocks at the bottom. This can't be it, there's a nice road up ahead, let's do that! The flat, rock free road looked pretty good and I could't bear chickening out. But as if we were taking a leisurely stroll on the beach she said, "this is it! We just lean into the rocks and walk in a zig-zag pattern to the bottom."
Cool Jules, not only are you going to miss this scenic hike but also the once in a lifetime opportunity to swim in beautiful tide pools. As I stood looking over the horizon, every memory of pain pulsed through my veins. It's amazing how in an instant you can revert back to a place or time you've worked so hard to make peace with.
Feeling realllllly good at this point I had to think quickly. Was I going to let my insecurities of injury hold me back or would I trust my friend and face my fear? I looked below and saw young kids and people wearing flip flops hiking down the side of this cliff. Definitely NOT recommended but If they could do it then I could, or I hoped. Luckily it was my adventurous and competitive spirit that took over and gently nudged me to take my first step.
I won't lie that I kissed the ground after stepping back onto the main road. Every single second of the hike was nerve wracking. I honestly had no idea if my legs would carry me, my left knee hadn't been tested like that in a while. But that type of fear does something to you, it brings you out of yourself and into the moment. I leaned on my friends guidance with one leading me and one supporting me. They literally walked one in front and one in back, telling me what kind of rock was coming up and how I should step. This support and focusing on each and every step, one at a time, got me through.
Even if athletic pursuits are not your thing, the notion of fear and vulnerability can be experienced in so many ways through illness or other tough circumstances. I've always been one to do things myself, feeling that it wasn't my victory if I got help. But that moment of triumph made me realize that's not what life's about. We're made for fellowship and doing things together is the greatest strength. It still took my own self motivation to do it but without the help of my friends i wouldn't have come out the other side with a greater sense of wholeness and strength. To them I say thank you.
PS - For the adventurous spirits out there, learn more about the Makapu'u Tidepools here and here. I recommend hiking shoes, water and going with friends. *Just note that it's not for the inexperienced hiker so please act accordingly.